Sand And Water
by Goddess Isa
Summary: Angel, five years after Buffy's death


TITLE: Sand and Water  
AUTHOR: Goddess Isa  
EMAIL: goddessisa@aol.com  
SUMMARY: Angel, five years after Buffy's death  
RATING: TV-PG  
SPOILER: Slight S3 ANGEL as well as The Gift  
DISCLAIMER: Joss and David own all, blah blah blah. The song is Beth Nielsen Chapman's. I LOVE her music.  
AUTHOR'S NOTES:  
3/3/02  
  
  
//All alone I didn't like the feeling  
All alone I sat and cried  
All alone I had to find some meaning  
In the center of the pain I felt inside\\  
  
Hi, Buffy. Happy Birthday.  
  
Twenty-five years old today. Sort of. Cordy baked you a cake, like she always does. She put purple flowers around the edges-she took a class from Martha Stewart online just to learn how-and as she blew out the candles, she wished you a day filled with sunshine and daises. A day spent with your mother. A day filled with happiness, wherever you are.  
  
I watched this from the shadows like I always do. Not because they were celebrating in the sunlight, they would never do such a thing in case I felt like joining in. I watch from the shadows by choice, because I have to. I can't sit around the table and celebrate your life because I hate you.  
  
I hate you for dying, Buffy. I hate you for leaving me and I hate myself even more for hating you in the first place.  
  
As usual, here in Los Angeles, your birthday sucks.  
  
//All alone I heal this heart of sorrow  
I can only live this day  
Flesh and bone my life's bursting toward tomorrow  
And the love you send my heart still finds it's way\\  
  
I never thought I would fall in love with anyone. I always thought my chance was over, swept away the moment Darla kissed me. Then you happened.  
  
Meeting you changed my entire life, Buffy. And losing you could've killed me. It almost did, but then….  
  
Epiphany.  
  
//I will see you in the light of a thousand suns  
I will hear you in the sound of the waves  
I will know you when I come, as we all will come  
Through the doors beyond the grave\\  
  
When I moved to LA, I realized how important our fight is.  
  
I realized that regardless of how much it hurts, or how scary it gets, or how badly we wanna quit, we can't.  
  
We have to fight until the end.  
  
I have to fight 'till the end, like you did.  
  
And I'm going to, because I'm not going to Hell.  
  
I'm going to you.  
  
//All alone I came into this world  
All alone I will someday die  
Solid stone is just sand and water, baby  
Sand and water and a million years gone by\\  
  
Every day, I close my eyes and I pray to God. I thank Him for bringing you into my life, and I thank Him for giving me your final gift.  
  
Connor.  
  
He's my salvation. He's the only thing that kept me going, the only person I wanted to love. Sure, I care about Cordy and Fred and Wesley and Gunn, but Connor is the only one I truly love.  
  
Connor is, for lack of a better analogy, and forgive my Irish roots for this, but he's my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. He's everything  
  
And he's ours, Buffy. He's ours and you never even got to meet him.  
  
I don't even think you ever knew it, but he's ours.  
  
//All alone I heal this heart of sorrow  
All alone I raise this child  
Flesh and bone, he's just  
Bursting towards tomorrow  
And his laughter fills my world and wears your smile\\  
  
Darla carried him, but he's ours. The child that never should've been, the child we created on our Forgotten Day.  
  
He reminds me of you, Buffy. He smiles like you do, and he laughs when I try to give him good advice, the way you always used to. He falls asleep whenever I'm giving him important lectures, and he hates the yellow clothing that Cordelia picks out for him.  
  
He's ours, more than any other child ever could've been. I only wish we could've shared him together.  
  
//All alone I heal this heart of sorrow  
I can only live this day  
Flesh and bone my life's bursting toward tomorrow  
And the love you send my heart still finds it's way\\  
  
I used to wish for my death. I used to hope for the day when I'd meet the sunlight, when I'd leave this Earth for a much worse place.  
  
Now I treasure every moment, every undead breath I take, and I smile. I smile because I'm spending every day with our sun. I know I'm not always gonna be here for him, but at least I know that when I leave, I'll find you again, and we can watch over him together.  
  
//All alone I came into this world  
All alone I will someday die  
Solid stone is just sand and water, baby  
Sand and water, and a million years gone by\\  



End file.
